Matthew Gilbert, who writes for the Boston Globe, became a dog owner last year, and his new book, Off the Leash is about his indoctrination in his neighborhood dog park. In an excerpt published in Parade, Gilbert offers a faux taxonomy of the kinds of dog owners he became acquainted with at the park:
Most of us keep a roving eye on our dog until we see the long-awaited crouch. Then we do a Poop Mime—conspicuously stepping forward like a silent-film actor, bag fluctuating in the breeze, letting everyone know we’re going to pick up our little darling’s production. But the members of this species are usually in the middle of a long story, or a recounting of last night’s dinner menu, and they’re much too busy to take care of such lowly matters. Other people inevitably step in their overlooked poop. They, of course, never do. A related species: Poopus Texta, the poop-missing dummies who are too busy looking at their smart phone.
It’s pretty funny and spot-on, if you’ve ever spent any time at one of these parks.